I currently have no children,
and I consistently ride the fence on whether I want to have a life that is free
of children or become my own version of the Duggar family. I have always envisioned myself having
children since I was a little girl, but
now that I am almost 27 I am starting to develop some apprehension about
becoming a mother. I had initially planned on tying to conceive when I…
1. Graduated from hygiene
school 2. Found a stable position in my field
3. Purchased a house in a nice area
4. Saved up some money
I have done all of these things (#4 will always be a work in progress) but now I am starting to have some reservations. I seem to come up with new experiences that I MUST have or tasks to complete before trying for a baby. I am also concerned that I may pass on some undesirable genetic conditions. My mother’s side of the family has a history of mental illness including Bi-polar disorder. My mom was chronically depressed when I was a child; which was difficult for me. My sister, who has 3 children, is Bi-polar and so is her oldest child. I am worried that even if I currently do not suffer from depression; it may develop after having children.
I know that if I sat here
and thought long enough, I could think of literally hundreds of thousands of
reasons why having a baby would be a bad idea. This rationale would range from
financial implications all the way to the physical ramifications of a “post
baby body.” I know that ultimately, even
if it is several years down the road, my desire to have a child will eventually outweigh
any logical excuses that my brain can come up with and I will become a mother
(ovaries willing).
With all of that being
said, I am so thankful that I have had the reproductive options that I have
had. I was educated on sex and contraceptives when I was young, and my mom took
me to get birth control pills when I was a teenager (with relatively little awkwardnessJ). It is because of
those steps I am able to take my time and consider my options.
Dory,
ReplyDeleteI don’t think you should be ashamed of your decision to put off having children. I think this is a subject that needs to be well thought out and planned if possible. I see way too many women and girls who get pregnant and jeopardize their careers and futures for a baby. That’s not to say that it isn’t possible to go to school, have a career, and be a mother all at the same time, but, in my opinion, it is not the ideal situation.
I am like you. I have goals for myself that must be met before I have a baby. One major road block to having a child right now is the fact that I do not make enough money as a dental assistant to support a baby, myself, and my fiancé right now. I am trying to get into hygiene school right now, but I will not even contemplate having a baby until I graduate and get settled into work. My fiancé and I agree that I should be home at least for the first few years of the baby’s life because I want to be the one raising my child, not a daycare facility. This is why my fiancé and I will have to wait because we have many things to accomplish before we can have a child such as getting married, purchasing a home, and getting me into a job so we don’t have to rely on his salary alone to support us.
I think you will be a fantastic mom if that’s the route you choose to pursue because you are thinking ahead and trying to plan a future for your child. I know you probably feel pressure from both society and friends to have a baby, I know every woman does, but don’t feel as though you have to do it. I am a firm believer in the woman’s right to choose for herself if she wants a child at all.
Good Luck!
-Laura Browne
Laura, Thank you for your response, It was very kind. You are correct, I do feel lots of pressure from friends and family to have kids. I have thrown more baby showers in the past 2 years than I ever imagined I would. Despite the outward influences, I have been able to really take inventory of what I truly want (oh, my fiance's opinion does factor in as well). I can completely relate to where you are in life as well. I was just there 3 years ago. I had a much easier time completing the RDH program than some of my classmates who had young children at home. They did it... but not without all of the "mommy guilt" associated with too many hours spent studying.
DeleteHello Dory,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your blog. It helps to confirm your "faith in life" when you see others thinking through a situation before jumping in. All views you presented are appreciated and valid. At the end of chapter five there is a profile on Margaret Sanger who was instramental in standing strong for women and reproductive choices--specifically the birth control pill. I wrote a paper on her for a class several semesters ago and one of the aspects of her knowledge that stuck with me was the hardships women faced when they had no control over their own reproductive choices. She was a nurse and provided care for some of the toughest neighborhoods in New York. She witnessed women who already had many children, no money and hard lives--pregnant, ill from unsafe abortions and misscarriages and no access to necessary birth control. It is hard to imagine a choice that is so important being unsupported by access to necessary information. I'm certainly happy to be living in the 21st century!
Amy Wallace
Amy,
DeleteI cant even begin to imagine what path my life would have taken if I had no reproductive choices. I am fairly certain that having children young would have absolutely prevented me from getting an education. I am so thankful to have had the support that I had.
Thank you for your response.
-Dory
I am also almost 27 and have apprehensions about having children. I can understand your fears about passing on some bad genes. I also have family members with bi-polar illness, along with schizophrenia and depression. My fiancé was born with 12 fingers and 11 toes. I can’t imagine having a baby and having to let it go into surgery to have extra digits removed, or having it grow up to hear voices or have manic episodes.
ReplyDeleteI also was lucky enough to have an understanding mother that educated me about contraceptives and was very pro-prevention. My mom offered to take me to get birth control pills if I ever needed them, but she also educated me on Planned Parenthood. So, I avoided that whole awkward situation and went to Planned Parenthood until I was 19. I’m thankful that Planned Parenthood was there to offer low cost exams and birth control.
Even though it seems to me that everyone our age is starting to have children and we’ve already met our pre-baby goals, I don’t think that it is a bad thing that we are putting it off. I think that it is very important to be ready to have a child, because it will drastically change everything about my life and I would like more time alone with my fiancé after we get married in June to just enjoy married life and focus on our careers.
-Loni
Loni,
DeleteIf you really sit down and think about how complicated/unbelievable/complex fetal development is than honestly, I am kind of blown away that more people aren't born with 12 fingers and 11 toes. Actually my niece was born without her levator muscle. This is the muscle in your eyelid that opens them. Obviously without this muscle your eyes remain closed. Childrens Hospital put in this implant that opens her eye for her, and to look at her you would never know. It is amazing how far science has come and what physicians are capable of doing. Also there is something to be said about the resilience of children or if not... the value of a great psychologist.
Thank you for your response. It is nice to relate to people who have similar concerns.
-Dory